Xeno Hemlock


Facebook Crimes People Still Commit

I fondly remember the time I introduced Facebook to my former co-workers. It was fairly new, and had that combination of simplicity and elegance. We were hooked. Needless to say Facebook was fun. Five years later, Facebook became arguably the most popular social networking site and everyone, from your spouse to your mother, from your co-worker to their dog, from your favorite actor to that high school classmate you despised, has a Facebook account. From fun it transformed into an annoyance. Pity parties, hourly non-sense updates, photo albums detailing everything happening to people’s lives, public feuds; the barrage of these is what Facebook has become. A decade had passed and some had gone sour on Facebook abandoning it altogether. Some still remained committing the following Facebook crimes they should’ve learned by now. Yes, the following acts still happen in the world of Facebook. A section of society had become more oblivious of what makes an online conduct head-shaking, or perhaps social media just highlighted the ignorant.

Let’s bring out our inner Facebook police and be on the watch for perpetrators of these Facebook crimes:

Sympathy Baiting

There are some people on Facebook who post nothing but the unfortunate events that happen in their lives. Romantic break-up. Illness. Didn’t pass a job interview. Was not able to buy tickets for a sold-out concert. Experiencing cramps. Forgot something somewhere. Mismatched attire. Weight problems. “Bored”. The list goes on and on, each post more ludicrous than the last. There is nothing wrong in sharing something bad that happened to you if it’s of relevance to the people following you, such as a death of a family member. However, there are some who makes Facebook a live feed of their drama, waiting for the Likes or the sympathetic comments to pour. Not everyone wants to hear about your “problems” especially the petty ones, so keep those things to yourself and man up. Only fools believe that life is easy.

Excessive Food Sharing

The first photo of the ceviche was nice. I haven’t tried it yet and it was a welcome introduction to my gourmet vocabulary. The red velvet cake designed as an octopus was cool. I haven’t had that kind of red velvet cake in my life, now where can I buy that? But then came the soggy pancakes, the fatty “grilled” burger, the dead crabs, the heavily breaded fried chicken, the disgusting fries, the belly bloating beer, the overpriced cocktail, the sugary panna cotta, and the cheap junk food. Everybody eats but not everybody shares their breakfast, brunch, lunch, afternoon snack, “linner”, dinner, midnight snack, or their emergency-because-it-wasn’t-planned-but-I-just-got-very-very-hungry snack. We get it. You eat, and you’ve become fat. Now, unless you’re a baker or a chef promoting your products, keep those photos in your personal collection, glutton! Even posting a text-only update is not acceptable.


Okay, I admit sometimes I post a collage of photos so I don’t have to upload multiple pictures at once. It lessens the chance people will get annoyed. However, some collages are terrible. Three to five frames all showing the same thing: the face, the face, the face, the face, and the face. You could’ve discarded the other four and just selected the best of the bunch. You tried to minimize your upload to just one photo, but it’s really still multiple photos. Another issue I have with collages, is sometimes the photos made into a collage were better off posted as individual photos. These applies to action photos, landscapes, or a group shot where a full display of the image would showcase the photos better instead of being confined into smaller pixels.

Excessive Baby Photos

Your baby is cute, congratulations! She got your nose, his lips, your skin, his eyes, your mouth, his voice, oh wait. Some babies look like potatoes. There, I said it. I didn’t mean that to offend those infants. Ugly ducklings grow into beautiful swans. The thing that bothers me is that these babies’ rights to privacy are being harrassed. Imagine when they grow into teenagers or young adults, and there are already lots of photos of them floating on the Internet. That will really suck. Some parents have no shame in posting a multitude of photos of their children. Shouldn’t one or two photos of them sleeping in their cribs suffice? Do you have to make public 30 images of them sleeping in the same position? Parenting is awesome but it comes with responsibilities. I believe not sharing everything your children do from infantry to childhood is one of that.

Wall Chatting

Person A commented on an update. Person B replied back. Person A answered once more. Person B steered the topic to a new direction. Before you know it, the wall had turned into a web version of an SMS conversation. Some things that should not be discussed there were discussed. Several posts didn’t add any significance to the conversation. The replies kept on coming the notifications popped and popped. There’s nothing wrong with having a conversation especially a meaningful one. However, there are some things that should be talked about in private and that’s what the messaging is for. A similar offense is when someone asks the whereabouts of the person on their wall, “Hey John Doe, where are you?” Eye roll.

Excessive Quotes

Take note of my usage of the word “excessive” several times. Let me clear this up. There’s nothing wrong with being a motivational, positive, cheerful, and inspirational person. By all means, post those quotes in text or image forms on your wall. If it cheers someone else, good. If it knocks some sense into a fool, better. I post or re-share some quotes myself. I do notice though, that some people post quotes on their social media accounts but when you take a look at their other online behaviour, they do not practice what they preach. They’re hypocrites, phonies, displaying their egotistical selves for the online world to see. Sometimes I ask myself, “Should I pity them?” No. A holier-than-thou person is unaware of how they come across to other people. The public is already a witness to their contradictory conduct. That’s enough.

The Personal Public Diary a.k.a. The Oversharing

This may include one or several of the crimes mentioned above, except this time it’s overkill. They put you in voyeur mode against your will as they share every page, every chapter, and every volume of their lives. From their outfit of the day, daily happenings at their jobs, relationship ups and downs, dreams and plans for the future, every television series they marathon, celebrity crushes, every place they check in, there’s no escape. They love writing in long paragraphs, detailing every emotion and opinion. They love writing in short outbursts too! With no excuse to turn a trivial moment into a wordy one, one sentence equipped with a “feeling <insert whatever ‘feel’ they feel here>” will do. There should be a Feeling Annoyed button next to the Like and Comment. I doubt even Kanye West nor Kim Kardashian would commit such online crime. Ironically enough, I think that people like this, despite sharing their life, needs to get a life.

Perpetrators of these crimes now amuse me. I used to get annoyed so much. Laughing at them offline is a wiser choice as I reach out for the donuts and coffee.

Cover image: Facebook's Secret Message to Me by Nate Bolt